Feeding your Demons
Have you had the experience of having intentions, goals and
aspirations that you are passionate about but never seem to fully come to
fruition? Do you find yourself struggling with habits, addictions or feeling
stuck in familiar patterns in your life that no longer serve you but resist
your efforts at change? Do you ever feel like there is a part of you that is
working against your wishes? Well for me the answer to these questions has been
most definitely YES, and for a long time my response was to increase my effort
and fight against the tendencies in me that I found to be obstacles or to throw
up my hands in frustration and sink into depression. However I began to realize
the more I struggled to rid myself of the qualities I didn’t like about myself,
the more I tried to force change by sheer effort and willpower and the more I
judged myself for not succeeding the way I felt I should I only made these
seemingly opposing forces or qualities stronger. Recently I discovered a powerful
practice that directly addresses this issue which is known as “Feeding Your
Demons”. Having put it into practice I find my life transforming in amazing and
powerful ways and I don’t find myself so much in conflict. Feeding your demons
is an old Tibetan practice known as Chud which originated in the 12th century
with a female Yogini named Machig Labdron. It is presented in a very simple and
accessible Western context by Buddhist teacher Tsultrim Allione in her book
“Feeding your Demons“.
What is a demon?
It is important first to look at what we mean by demon in
the context of this practice because its not the classic Hollywood evil spirit.
This type of demon is a part of our own psyche that has been denied, repressed,
avoided possibly relating to some form of trauma or conflict. It could be the
pain of a parent leaving us which we didn’t fully feel and express, a traumatic
experience such as war, rape, or an accident, or simply a feeling of anxiety or
sadness deep down that we can’t bear to fully feel. Demons are any part of us
that is unconscious and impacts us in a painful or destructive way that we
cannot control. Addiction is a great example of this, the painful and
destructive use of a substance or behavior that is self destructive but which
we tend to get taken over by causing us to act out a repetitive destructive
pattern which we feel we can’t escape from. Indeed, the more we try to fight
it, resist it and escape the stronger it becomes. These demons prevent us from
fully living our potential, from being truly happy and fulfilled. Psychologist
Carl Jung called demons autonomous complexes because they are parts of the
psyche that take on a life of their own as if they were a separate entity. This
is a result of our cutting these parts of us off through our repression and
denial of them.
However these repressed parts of us, and we all have them,
are not really negative or evil they simply need attention and healing. The
feeding your demons practice provides us with a direct approach to heal these
parts of ourselves if we are willing to face them with courage. It is
incredibly effective because it allows us to drop the conflict or the battle
against the parts of ourselves that we don’t like or are ashamed of. Instead of
fighting for change we can go directly to the cause of negative patterns and
heal what is at their root so that the surface pattern or behavior naturally
changes as we dispell the energy behind it. Addiction is again a good example
because most often when people stop drinking, gambling or otherwise avoid the
addictive behavior it usually takes another form because the root cause is not
the alcohol or drug, it is the wound beneath it and until that is healed the
addiction will continue in one form or another.
The practice
The practice is simple and I will briefly describe it here
but if you are interested in this I encourage you to read the book because it
presents a more complete version. We begin by sitting in a quiet place and
engaging in some slow deep breaths to get into a relaxed state. We then decide
which demon we want to work with and this can be done by looking at what we are
struggling with most right now. If its an argument with our partner we can
focus on that. We do that by paying attention to our body and the sensations we
are feeling in the moment. If we bring to mind the argument with our spouse or
some other painful situation we can notice where we feel discomfort in the
body. The idea here is that there is always a physical component to our mental
and emotional issues and focusing on the body allows us to get in touch with it
without getting lost in thought. Once you feel the discomfort in your body
notice its location, how it feels, the qualities of the sensation and really
pay attention to them, allow yourself to really “feel” it rather than analyzing
it rationally.
Next we bring in the imagination because the imagination
works with symbols and images which is the language of the unconscious so it
provides us direct access. As you feel the bodily sensation, imagine it taking
a form right in front of you. Imagine the demon or painful part of yourself
taking an animated form sitting across from you. Allow yourself to accept
whatever form it takes without judging or thinking about it, the first thing
that comes to mind is usually it. Notice this form or demon very carefully, see
its qualities but don’t push yourself if its not clear, be gentle and let it be
whatever it needs to be. The ask it these questions: “What do you want from
me?”, “What do you need from me?” and “How would you feel if you got what you
needed?”.
Before you imagine the figure answering these questions, get
up and switch places with it. Sit in its place and allow yourself to feel what
its like to be the demon. Then answer your questions as the demon. Again accept
whatever answers come up without second guessing or judgment. Note the
difference between what the demon wants and what it needs. My demon of lack and
scarcity manifested as an angry little troll with a coin pouch that had a hole
in it while he angrily protected the one little penny he clutched in his little
hands. When I asked him what he wanted he said he wanted me to be poor and
realize I was worthless and would never have what I wanted, that I would end up
on the street and homeless. However when I asked him what he really needed from
me he said he needed attention and he felt powerless and incomplete so he
craved power and fulfillment. He said he would feel abundant and fulfilled if
he got what he needed.
After you answer the three questions from the place of the
demon move back to your seat and imagine transforming your body into exactly
what the demon needs and offering it to him. In my previous example I imagined
my body transforming into a white energetic nectar of abundant power and I feed
it to my lack demon. You allow him to feed until he is completely satisfied.
You are not only giving this part of yourself attention rather than avoiding
it, you are also giving it what it needs. Often you will find when you do this
the demon transforms or disappears altogether. The figure that it transforms
into is what the book calls an Ally. The ally is the hidden wisdom within the
demon which we can uncover when we make the demon conscious and heal it by
giving it attention and feeding it. My demon of lack transformed into a
magnificent white elephant that looked like a Hindu God when I fed him. When
the Ally appears you ask another set of questions: “How can you help me?”, “How
can you protect me?”, “What commitment do you make to me?” and “How can I call
on you when I need to?”. Then you switch places with the ally and experience
how it feels to be the ally answering each question from that perspective. My
white elephant ally told me he represented abundance and complete fulfillment
and he would always be there to remind me of abundance when I forgot.
Once we answer the ally questions we move back to our seat
and imagine the ally dissolving into us and then we sit is silence for a few
minutes and allow ourselves to integrate the experience. We’re not thinking
about it just sitting with it in stillness. The root of the word demon is
daemon which is a Greek term for spirit or supernatural being. It could be a
negative figure but was not inherently negative and would often take the form
of a spirit guide offering support and wisdom. It is interesting to note that
when we transform our demons they often assume a positive supportive form and
contain wisdom and power which can really help us in our lives. In the end, the
only real problem is our resistance and avoidance of the painful or seemingly
negative parts of ourselves.
In working with the lack demon I found my struggle with
money and resources really begin to shift. I felt more trust in the universe
and in abundance not just as a concept but as an actual experience. I was able
to let go a lot more of my struggle with money and was amazed to see it begin
to flow into my life in unexpected ways. I actually felt abundance in a very
real sense for the first time in my life. Since I have worked with many other
demons including anger, attachment, anxiety, fear and self doubt. This practice
really offers a very direct way to address the parts of us we are struggling
with and to hold them in compassion rather than avoiding them because the
demons are parts of ourselves that desperately need attention. When they get
attention and nurturance they don’t need to create chaos, conflict and
obstacles in our life anymore. We experience freedom.
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